Government Innovation Travel , Immigration , Since when does a migratory bird need a passport?
Retail Sales , Trader Furniture , This is our most inexpensive recliner.
Grooming Marriage , husband , When I come back from the beauty parlor, I may want a divorce.
Friendship , bully , When did I ever bully you at school?
Fashion Retail , Ladies Shoes , She needs something with high heels at the front.
Quality Restaurants food , , What are you talking about, lumpy green coffee? That's your soup!
Effectiveness Health , husband , Albert does most of his own medical work.
Marriage Marriage , Guidance , I always make him stand in the corner when he exagerates.
Retail , Accounts , I'd like to wipe out my charge account debt entirely. Where do you want the furniture and appliances?
Grooming , Cosmetics , Are you sure you've got enough room in there for bath beads?
Diet Food Health , bed , There are 18 grapes here, Harold, nearly enough for three weeks.
Doctors Effectiveness Health Service , bed , Not the whole bed, nurse, just his mattress.
Crime Lawyers , 291 , The jury found me not guilty, but the judge pleaded temporary insanity and gave me five years.
Marriage Restaurants , Lounge , If it's happy hour, give us separate tables.
Animals Pets , boyfriend , This is my oldest hamster, Marvin, from my first marriage.
Automobiles Sales , , If you've got cash, I'll let it go for 30 bucks.
Doctors Health , doctor , I showed him his bill. He wants his gallstones put back in.
Restaurants Service , fly paper , Did I get it?
Entertainment , Library , She'd like the complete works of someone who didn't write too much.
Automobiles Sales , Used , I think she's decided on the green hatchback across the street.
Music Service , Complaints , Are you gonna listen or not?
Innovation Restaurants , Menu , He has trouble reading the menu.
Doctors Effectiveness Health , EBACMULSN , Not my right eye, your right eye.
Music Retail , , This is our beginner's model.
Fashion Retail , Menswear , Try the next one.
Art , birds , He was never that popular in real life.
Travel , Next , NEXT GAS? NO CAPTION
Animals , Gorilla , He must have remembered your banana cake.
Entertainment Music , musician , What am I going to do if it rains?
Effectiveness Fashion , Menswear , Waterproof up to 60 fathoms.
Banks , Banking Loans , Your interest starts now.
Marriage Marriage , friend friend , I'd like to introduce you to my second wife, but I'm still stuck with the first one.
Safety Children Travel , Stop , Get ready, Mildred. After the green truck.
Health , Drugstore , Contact lens cleaner?
Doctors Health Sports , barbell , We found your knees.
Sports , Bus Stop , My wife needs it for target practice.
Automobiles Children , Auto Parts , Got a pedal for a '91 Batmobile?
Health Music , Emergency , He was playing the violin.
Automobiles Sales , automobile , Runs good.
Art Food , Artist Supplies , Six eggs, a jar of pickles and a packet of crackers.
Entertainment , Applause , NO CAPTION
Automobiles Government , bumper , I don't suppose you got the license plate number, did you?
Quality Restaurants , bottle , I'll have to go and get my toolbox from the car.
Miscellaneous Sports aliens , , Pull!
Children , baby , We named him 'Uncle' after my mum's brother.
Music Music Retail , Classical , Joyce, ask Mr. Dennison if he's heard of a composer named Mozart.
Service , fat lady , Whaddya mean, '$1 000 a mile?'
Animals Pets , Carpets , I think he's starting to like that one.
Diet Health , , It's Happy Hour. Do you want grape or raspberry?
Effectiveness Employment , OUT AGAIN OUT AGAIN , NO CAPTION
Doctors Health , doctor , As soon as he starts snoring, slap it on.
Entertainment Government Travel , Customs , Just the one suitcase.
Friendship Leisure Lodging , exerciser , Got a pair of scissors?
Holidays Retail , Greeting Cards , What have you got that's suitable for a 3-year-old? It's my husband's birthday.
Quality Restaurants , Menu , I strongly recommend the only thing we've got left.
Newspapers , husband , For a man with $38 in the bank, you sure spend a lot of time reading the financial page.
Employment Mail , boss , Mrs. Parker, most of this mail is for you.
Effectiveness Entertainment Television , camera , After the commercial break, a woman who has spent her entire life making people miserable.
Doctors Health Insurance , bandages , Your medical insurance has run out. You'll have to remove your own bandages.
Food , fridge , Quick, get a rope. Your brother Reggie's at the front door.
Doctors Health , body cast , How's he sleeping at night?
Doctors Health Marriage , doctor , She needs a pair of backseat driving glasses.
Health Safety , barbed wire , They've sent for an expert on tropical diseases.
Automobiles Maintenance , Car Wash , I'll have to adjust the brushes.
Lodging Maintenance , neighbor , Can my wife borrow your snow shovel?
Automobiles Maintenance , Auto Parts , Joyce, what was that thing you bought for your car when it wouldn't start?
Health , pharmacist pharmacy , I'll need a glass of water in 14 seconds.
Crime Friendship , 21374 , Can I borrow your hedge trimmers for 18 years?
Food Restaurants , Menu , D'you want slaw with the jelly donut?
Children Dentistry , dentist , Don't tell me this is hurting you more than it's hurting me.
Health Marriage , bed , I'm perfectly capable of washing my face, Harold.
Animals Entertainment , zoo , Don't eat peanuts. You're drawing a crowd.
Employment , husband , He's trying to remember what it used to be like before he started to work.
Doctors Health , doctor , I'll pass on the top letter and come back to it.
Banks Children , Banking Loans , How do you spell 'Arthur?'
Lodging Quality Restaurants , Hotel , All the people who had the 'fish spaghetti' for lunch want to check out.
Doctors Health , , We've decided to lower your chart to keep you on it.
Health Marriage , husband , That was my mother on the phone. She said she hopes you're feeling worse.
Health Lawyers , Emergency , You say your lawyer bandaged your wrist?
Retail Sales , Say With Flowers , Have you got any that just drop dead?
Retail Sales , Finishing Pistols , NO CAPTION
Entertainment Insurance Lodging , fat lady , I take it you have the very best medical insurance.
Ethics Miscellaneous , Phone , I heard you say,'There's some old bat waiting!'
Food Quality , husband , Did those french fries taste like they'd been cooked in furniture polish?
Health Safety , bandages , I'm sorry, Harold, but you shouldn't have crept up behind me like that.
Fashion Marriage Retail , Hats , If she takes that one, I'll pay for it.
Service , Come Open , What do you want?
Service , Please Take Number , I think I'll try my birthday again.
Innovation , beggar , I'm trying to get enough money for a lottery ticket.
Animals Pets food , , How come the dog gets lean beef and gravy and I get a cheese sandwich?
Animals Children Doctors Pets , Vet , Now he's scratching the furniture with his teeth.
Automobiles Employment , Pizza , You told me I could have the car on Tuesdays.
Doctors Health , arrows , Drink this, but stand over there by the sink.
Food Service , Pizza , Did you want pepperoni on your pizza?
Doctors Health Quality , bed , I can't remember! Is the appendix on the left or on the right?
Health Leisure Sports , ball , Don't move.
Health Marriage Health Marriage , disease disease , I don't care if you are sick, you can't sit there looking like that all day.
Doctors Health , binoculars , He gets overly excited when he's bird watching.
Doctors Health , doctor , I'm just having a look at your brain X-ray.
Quality Restaurants food , , These dumplings aren't cooked!
Fashion Quality Retail , Furs , It's recycled imitation rabbit, designed and hand-sewn by disabled widows on fixed incomes.
Children Health , baby , It wasn't gallstones!
Service , Customer Complaints , Your wife's cooking is not covered by the stove's warranty.
Animals Mail Pets , , All I can tell you is that it arrived from Africa this morning, and there's something moving inside.
Advertising Automobiles , Used Cars , NO CAPTION
Lodging Marriage , husband , As soon as you're in a good mood, I'll show you the electricity bill.
Automobiles Retail , Car Rental , Forget a compact.
Ethics Science , Clone Research , NO CAPTION
Lodging Safety , Apartment For Rent , You promise not to use the balcony.
Doctors Health Safety , Emergency , I think you'd better stay at work for a few days.
Service Television , Repairs , Your television was ready to explode before I touched it, Madam.
Travel , , Our luggage is in Greece. We might as well go there.
Restaurants , All You Can Eat , Battle stations.
Dating Dating Service , , Gimme a break.
Banks , Banking Loans , You don't remember me, do you? I lent you 50 cents in high school.
Sales , Going Out Business Sale Real Estate , What about a moat? Do you want to buy a nice moat?
Doctors Effectiveness Health , doctor , Take these and phone me right away if they work.
Effectiveness Employment accounting , CEO , I want to see that new bookkeeper who started last Monday.
Animals Music Pets , , He wants a pair of cymbals.
Retail Safety , Kitchenware , Got any fire extinguishers?
Quality Restaurants , chicken , It's undercooked!
Animals Quality Restaurants , restaurant , We don't waste anything here.
Doctors Health , doctor , You've got normal blood pressure but no pulse.
Philosophy Science , Crackers , NO CAPTION
Automobiles , Showroom , She wants to know why her airbag didn't pop out.
Animals Science , branch , I know he's your cousin, Maurice, but don't you think he's a little strange?
Animals Food Pets , dog , Got any calorie-reduced, caffeine-free, non-dairy, low-cholesterol dog biscuits?
Health , husband , They let him come home, but he has to watch his blood pressure.
Food Restaurants , boyfriend , If we're each paying for our own, I'll have an order of toast.
Doctors Health , doctor , You said your last checkup was in 1947.
accounting , Tax Consultant , Can you get married and find seven dependents by September?
Animals Children , dog , Does anyone need to use the bathroom while we're here?
Doctors Insurance Lawyers , bandage , With $5 million worth of malpractice insurance, I'm going to sue myself.
Dating Marriage , boyfriend , Do you want an engagement ring or the $20?
Doctors Health , ABCDEFG , You won't get better odds than that anywhere else.
Dating Music , Belmont Apartments , Everybody except 7B close your windows.
Marriage Retail , Easy Payments , All her payments are easy. She uses my money.
Effectiveness Retail , Greeting Cards , This one's not doing much for me. What else have you got?
Crime Government Marriage , Police , I don't need to look at mug shots. It was my wife and her mother.
Fashion , hat , It feels all right. What does it look like?
Safety , fireman , It's in the kitchen as usual.
Lodging Maintenance , husband , It didn't look like that in the store.
Health , Emergency , Where's the men's room?
Automobiles Service , Next Gas Miles , Better give me 2.2 gallons.
Food Retail , Fresh Honey , NO CAPTION
Marriage Marriage , Guidance , My wife won't be here this week. She disappeared with the funiture last week.
Fashion Retail , Socks , Where's the changing room?
Marriage , bed , I wish you wouldn't put your teeth next to the alarm clock.
Employment , Suggestions , I just started here today. I'll come back at the end of the week.
Automobiles Maintenance , gas station , I ran out of gas! What did you want me to bring, the muffler?
Animals Children , Petting Zoo , NO CAPTION
Restaurants , Bar Grill , Abandon ship.
Automobiles Sales , Clean , When it was brand-new it cost $750. That's what I'm selling it for.
Crime Lawyers , , She's charged with obstructing traffic your honor.
Banks Retail , Banking Loans , Let's see, I need $899 plus 7 percent sales tax, after subtracting a 19 percent sales discount.
Government Travel , Immigration , It's a blank passport. I'm suffering from amnesia.
Quality Restaurants , cook , On second thought, I'll have a coffee to go and the meat pie can stay where it is.
Employment , boss , This is the new man, Hawkins. Teach him everything you know, then pick up your severance check.
Dating Effectiveness Marriage Technology , Lonely Hearts , That's the sixth time the computer has matched you with your ex-wife.
Maintenance Marriage , dishes , One small step for women's lib, one giant leap toward divorce.
Children Food , child , He's put gravy in his water pistol.
Children , child , Dad, lend me $5,000 and I promise I'll clean my room for a whole week.
Military Sports , armour , If you fall off your horse, run like mad.
Miscellaneous Quality , , Would you say you are, 'extremely happy,' 'happy', 'average' or 'bored stiff'?
Food Quality , husband , Can you eat turkey leftovers again?
Animals Children Pets , child , He's the equivalent of 49 years old, but he's not intelligent enough to get crabby!
Crime , chain , Someone's stolen my bicycle!
Effectiveness Television , , There's a 200-foot monster outside and he tells her to bolt the door.
Health , husband , Your mother went jogging and got a ticket for 'malicious damage' to the sidewalk.
Health Technology , fat lady , You're not gonna believe it - there's an elephant coming.
Doctors Ethics , doctor , Why don't I recommend a plastic surgeon to do something about that nose?
Health Insurance , , Surely you must know if you have health insurance...
Marriage , frog , Nothing your mother does surprises me anymore.
Health Marriage , birth certificate , I found your birth certificate in the attic. You're not 54, you're 91.
Miscellaneous , , Don't forget to put his watch ahead two hours. We forgot that last time.
Innovation Technology , aboriginie , One-two-three-THROW, four-five-six-DUCK.
Marriage , bed , I haven't forgotten what you said to me last month.
Food Maintenance , bed , I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in bed.
Marriage , chair , Get back! You're not leaving this house with my credit cards.
Effectiveness Health , chair , You got down there to do sit-ups and fell asleep.
Food , bench , I don't suppose you've got a bottle of Thousand Island salad dressing in your pocket, do you?
Lodging Maintenance , hammer , What was all that screaming outside?
Crime Lawyers , accused , Can you account for your whereabouts in January 1927?
Animals Pets , ABC , Wake up, Dad.
Animals Fashion , bananas , I told you not to wear that dumb hat.
Children Dating Entertainment , boyfriend , Will you buzz off!
Employment , desk , I see on your applicaton that you used to be a termite inspector.
Animals Children , baby , These TV commercials are getting ridiculous!
Employment Innovation Service , butler , Have you been at my sherry again, Wilkins?
Science , cactus , Take your time, Murphy. You can't miss.
Safety , Bus Stop help , NO CAPTION
Retail Sales Service , Pipes , This may be out of your price range. It's $2.
Effectiveness Innovation Leisure Sports , ball , I'm gonna use this ball. I keep losing the other ones.
Art , , Got any books with nice, big, colored pictures in them, suitable for framing?
Leisure Sports , , How come you don't go fishing anymore?
, cooking prison , I made you a nice fruitcake, but the guard said it could be used as an offensive weapon.
Employment Holidays , , Have a good vacation, Wilson?
Friendship Politics Safety , Save The Whale , I never said a word. He said it!
Effectiveness Service , king , Why don't you listen? I said bring me a WENCH.
Effectiveness Marriage Effectiveness Marriage , bed bed , You left the hose connected to the waterbed!
Food Retail , , Here's the coffee ... right at the back.
Animals Effectiveness Safety , boat , SHARK BOAT NO CAPTION
Quality , bartender , What did you put in his drink, Harry?
Grooming Service , barber , Here comes this week's challenge!
Lodging Technology , Real Estate phone , You're on a party line here ... eleven long rings and seven short!
Lodging , Real Estate basement , This year I'm gonna finish off the basement!
Marriage , boards , Your mother just phoned ... she's coming over.
Crime Lodging , cleaning lady , Anybody got the right time?
Effectiveness Friendship , arrow , I think he wants to be friends!
Grooming , bald , You've got a nice little recession of your own going on up here!
Ethics Sports , armour , Technically, you could say you dis-armed him.
Effectiveness Entertainment Technology , earphone , She doesn't buy many luxuries but she loves her stereo.
Crime Effectiveness , police , Alcoholics Annonymous called ... since you've been on 'Park Patrol', they've tripled their membership!
Safety Science , invisible man , It's going to take an hour to wear off. What do you want to do?
Health Technology , bicycle , I hear you got an artificial heart.
Doctors Service , doctor , Take your time Doc. I'm enjoying reading 'Predictions for 1948'.
Leisure Sports , jockey , There's the last-minute replacement jockey for your hot-tip.
Fashion Marriage , dress , Oh yeah...well next time you make a dress for your mother ... get someone else.
Art , ,
Employment , LOSE , It means, 'Lay Off Someone Else'.
Doctors Health , couch , So what happened after you told Julius Caesar to get out of Egypt?
Animals Pets , dog , Now where's he going with a screwdriver?
Grooming Service , Shoe Shine , That's fine!
Entertainment Science Television , Cleopatra , Will the real Cleopatra please stand up?
Employment , employee , I was just talking to your previous employer. He says you're a troublemaker.
Entertainment Television , Guide , That dog on the soap opera is getting it's own weekly series!
Entertainment Marriage Television , Guide , I'm watching the golf ... if you want a soap opera, wash the dishes.
Lodging Quality , chair , George makes all our own furniture.
Employment Holidays , boxer , Your foreman tells me you had a very fruitful vacation in Las Vegas.
Leisure Sports , club , Whaddyer mean twenty-six, twenty-seven, I'm hitting a rock!
Ethics Food , friend , Where's a U.F.O.?
Fashion Marriage , beauty contest , 34-24-36 ... It sounds like your right arm.
Fashion Marriage , costume , I don't care if it is 'fancy dress', I'm not going with you looking like that!
Marriage Philosophy , cave , You want a career. Try chasing bloodthirsty animals with a home-made spear?
Marriage Marriage , birthday cake birthday cake , I dropped your cake.
Entertainment Health Marriage , bed , Aren't you going to wish me a Happy New Year?
Effectiveness Fashion , husband , The neck's too tight.
Animals Food Pets , dog , He may as well have mine, now!
Crime Travel , bandit , You haven't signed these traveler's checks.
Automobiles Service , car , $84 for labor! Wow, what an honor! Bill Gates changed my plugs.
Children Fashion Grooming , afro , Grandpa's bought a wig.
Marriage , frying pan , Do you recognize this pan as the one your wife used?
Leisure Safety Sports , airplane , NO CAPTION PLANE SHOT DOWN WITH GUN
Employment Retail Sales , Balloons , Business is great but I can't keep up with inflation.
Advertising Advertising , , How about, 'Yummy yum, yummy yum, yummy gum gum gum'?
Grooming Innovation Marriage , , I don't care what I look like, I'm not getting mutilated by hair-rollers.
Effectiveness Fashion , husband , I thought I'd make them long to keep your knees warm.
Government Safety , dwarf , Surely you can appreciate we need a height regulation in the police force?
Doctors Health Innovation , brace , The rear-view mirrors are my idea. Don't turn your head for a while.
Government Travel , Customs , Have you been out of the country for more than 24 hours?
Marriage Television , , That's it! I'm changing channels.
Doctors Health , doctor , Doc, can you give me something to make me feel a bit more energetic?
Employment Marriage , boss , Just because he has to be at work by 5 a.m., I get stuck with all the breakfast dishes every day.
Animals Pets Animals Pets , bed bed , I've lost the use of my legs!
Entertainment , child , Mommy can't see very well. D'you wanna swap seats?
Maintenance , apartment , Silly old me! I've been superintendent of this apartment building for 25 years and I thought I'd seen everything.
Marriage Newspapers , husband , I can read you like a book.
Marriage , anniversary , OK! As it's our 25th anniversary, I'll make the coffee. Where d'you get the water from?
Employment , boss , I'm sure you three will be pleased to hear I'm agreeing to your 15% pay demand. 5% each!
Effectiveness Employment , assistant , Put me out of my misery! Which one of you types 140 words per minute?
Crime , police , The guy who ran off with your wallet is probably an Olympic medalist.
Children Education , School Report , See, I got an 'A' in 'Rap music'.
Miscellaneous , , D'you get a lot of rain on your planet?
Children , grandchild , Grandma, you didn't borrow my sweater, did you?
Animals Entertainment Marriage , Monkey House , You go and have your family reunion and I'll meet you by the penguins.
Innovation Lodging , bed , You should hear what she just called him!
Marriage , couch , I love going out but the old misery always comes home from work and says he's too tired.
Marriage Philosophy Politics , argument , You're the one who wanted to get married. You're the one who wanted kids. You wanted the house and now YOU want to be LIBERATED!
Grooming , bum , Oh, no split-ends!
Children , child , I just can't believe I'm gonna look like you when I'm 35.
Children Lodging Maintenance , Weed Killer , Don't get any of that stuff on your father.
Lawyers , husband , I spell relief d-i-v-o-r-c-e.
Entertainment Leisure , cards , This is ridiculous! I raise you a nickel and you throw in four aces.
Marriage , argument , We can't complain. It's their wedding anniversary.
Fashion , husband , You got a Superman T-shirt for him, size 32-inch chest?
Grooming , husband , Got any more shaving cream?
Food , husband , You've eaten all the nuts!
Marriage Safety , canon , You're scratching my coffee table!
Restaurants Service , desert , I said 'a little dessert' and he's brought a little desert.
Food , beans , Phone the newspaper; I just found a second piece of pork in this can of beans!
Doctors Health , doctor , I need some tranquilizers for my husband.
Education , Income Tax Made Easy , Here's that book you ordered, 'Income Tax Made Easy.'
Automobiles Sales Sales , Car , That car you sold me is only getting about six miles to a gallon of gas.
Entertainment Religion , devil costume , We're having a party downstairs. D'you wanna come?
Animals Marriage , Hippo , Did you remember to send your mother a birthday card?
Grooming , husband , We've got to leave in four hours. Here's your lipstick!
Animals Children Pets , cat , Dad, the cat got married!
Animals Marriage Pets , bed , If the house was on fire, who would you save first, me or the cat?
Fashion Retail , jeans , All our 'extra large' jeans are 34-inch waist.
Restaurants Service , Menu , What does he want to eat, a bowl of ants?
Grooming , mirror , Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fair...
Lodging Marriage , bed , Are you comfortable down there, Daddy?
Health Marriage , bed , I told you not to marry her.
Maintenance , Wet Paint , Are you a good runner?
Dentistry , assistant , How many times have I told you not to snap your fingers whilst I'm extracting teeth under hypnosis?
Food Quality , husband , That stove should be in a war museum.
Television , , Why can't I have the movie on and you watch the game during the commercials?
Lodging Maintenance Lodging Maintenance , husband husband , Wonderful!Ê Now the baby's awake.
Lodging Maintenance , door , That should clear the rug.
Music , Quiet Please , Shhhhhhhhh.
Employment Politics , assistant , I suppose I'll be a male chauvinist pig if I ask you to be on time tomorrow morning.
Sports , friend , Nice to meet you. Ever thought about professional wrestling?
Fashion Retail Service , Shirts , What are the chances of exchanging a red and green shirt with blue stripes?
Doctors Safety Doctors Safety , accidents tuba waiting room accidents tuba waiting room , The doctor won't be long. Would you like a magazine?
Friendship Marriage Safety , friend , Joe's my bodyguard while I tell you where I've been all night.
Service , Information , What are you asking me for?
Miscellaneous aliens , , This is 'Earth'. We don't hang around here too long - they're all bananas.
Animals Children Pets , child , When I said you could have your friends over for lunch, I meant humans.
Health Politics , needle , I want you to know I'm a FIrm supporter of the ERA.
Entertainment Health Television , , She was doing her TV exercises and has been stuck there through three soap operas!
Effectiveness Friendship , , SILENCE NO CAPTION
art , , What are you doing?
Animals Pets , dog , Those two seem to be enjoying themselves.
Ethics Food Miscellaneous , finger , If you ever eat turkey, you're a cannibal!
Dentistry , chair , You'll have to sit up!
Dating Service Dating , Cupid Please Wait Here , CUPID DATING SERVICE PLEASE WAIT HERE NO CAPTION
Military , barrel , Did you say that guy next door joined the Army?
Children Food , birthday , Your teeth are in my jello!
Doctors Fashion Health , doctor , I think you're probably in a rut.
Marriage Sports , bandage , I was practicing my karate and she hit me with half a brick.
Service , airport , Smoking or non-smoking?
Food , cake , I put two eggs in this cake!
Animals , cage , That's nice! You show up and all the gorillas run inside.
Advertising , laundry , Now, which pile was washed in 'Sudsy-Wudsy'?
Restaurants Service , menu , It's not egg on toast. It's egg OR toast!
Children Television , , They shouldn't be showing girls in bikinis when kids his age are watching!
Animals Food Pets , bag , He's got my tuna fish sandwiches again!
Doctors , doctor , Close that door, he's blowing away!
Children , child , That was either Superman or dad falling off the roof.
Entertainment Food , movie , Please don't slurp that soup while I'm trying to watch the movie.
Dating Science , Leo , Gee, I thought everyone knew that 'Aquarius' and 'Leo' went well together!
Animals Science , cage , Millions of years of evolution, and that's the latest model!
Leisure Sales Sports , fishing pole , My hook's stuck!
Health Marriage , cigarette , I can smell cigarette smoke!
Marriage Television , , Watch this! This is where she hits her husband over the head with a saucepan.
Crime Effectiveness , Smith , What we have here, Williams, is a breakdown in communication.
Fashion , cowboy , What did you buy that for? You can't even ride a bicycle!
Doctors Health , doctor , Your chest x-ray is fine, but your driver's license has expired.
Ethics Health , cigarette , D'you mind not blowing that cigarette smoke all over me.
Politics art , , This one was painted during the French Revolution.
Food Restaurants , cafeteria , She said she was on a diet and then wiped out the salad bar.
Effectiveness Safety , bench , I'm gonna flop down here; my feet are killing me.
Lodging , house , I just moved in upstairs.
Fashion Restaurants Service , maitre dis , Isn't he the guy you wouldn't let in last week without a tie?
Dating Technology , boyfriend , They didn't have computer dating when we were young.
Food Safety , cake , Oh, oh! It says, 'Must be eaten before Feb. 1978'.
Children Technology , baby , Breaker-one-nine, breaker-one-nine. I need a glass of water.
Safety Travel , airplane , I'm sorry, sir, you'll have to return to your seat. We'll be landing in a few minutes.
Animals Health Pets , dog , See what happens when you have too many walkies!
Food Restaurants , Salad Bar , Gimme a gin and lettuce.
Leisure art , , He painted that one on our camping trip.
Government Travel , Customs , Stay alert. They've tripled the import duty on wallpaper.
Safety , bandage , They said you were wearing this when you dived off the roof.
Restaurants Service , bill , The 50-cent surcharge is for the clean fork I brought you when you dropped the other one.
Quality Retail Sales , old lady , That's guaranteed waterproof if you go down to 100 meters.
Fashion Retail Service , Complaints , It's too tight.
Food , Piza , You ordered a small Pisa.
Effectiveness , Security , Make sure you don't forget to return that pass before you leave the building.
Food Restaurants , Menu , Today's special is spaghetti with alphabet letters in the sauce.
Children , child , Dad, if you let me have a credit card, I swear I'll never use it.
Health Politics , , You'll be fine, that drip will last you for two weeks.
Employment , boss , You can get down now. That was your raise.
Travel , airport , If you run like the wind, you may just make it.
Politics , Moo , It's time we heard from the silent majority.
Doctors Health , arm , I've lost the use of my left arm.
Science Sports , bat , They had baseball back then?
Marriage , Rice , That was my ex-husband who threw that.
Death Friendship Health , bed , The doctor said you had a 50-50 chance.
Automobiles Training , School Motoring , My sister TOLD me you were no good.
Safety , cactus , I told you it didn't smell.
Ethics Politics , Save The Rainforest , SAVE THE RAINFOREST NO CAPTION
Effectiveness Health , bed , You should see the pills I have to take.
Animals Effectiveness Newspapers Pets , dog , He fetched it upside down again.
Doctors Health , back , He took out my appendix and I don't even have a scar.
Automobiles Sales , , This one was driven by a little old lady and her nephew.
Friendship Health , bed , He sure looks forward to your weekly visits.
Food Government , policeman , I want to report an unidentified flying omelette.
Advertising Effectiveness , STOP LOSING YOUR HAIR COD GUARANTEED , STOP LOSING YOUR HAIR COD GUARANTEED NO CAPTION
Dating Dating Doctors Technology , Computer , It's picked me again, Doctor.
Doctors Health , doctor , I keep coming over all hot and cold.
Food Restaurants , bugel , Bagel!
Travel , , We want two round-trip tickets to here.
Health , balloons , Terrible thing, depression.
Children , baby , He doesn't get THAT from his father.
Crime , 216 , I had a good job waiting for me on the outside, but they installed a burglar alarm.
Crime Effectiveness , Express Items Less , All right, all right ... Hand over eight dollars.
Effectiveness , bed , It's no use. I can't sleep with this wallpaper.
Animals Food , Hot Dogs , I'll meet you in an hour.
Banks , Banking Loans Manager , You can get up now.
Effectiveness Innovation , airplane , I've decided to expand my horizons.
Advertising Fashion Sales , HAND MADE JEWELRY CHOLESTEROL , HAND MADE JEWELRY NO CHOLESTEROL NO CAPTION
Health Television , Hospital Emergency , My little TV's not working in Ward 15B!
Effectiveness , axe , How much for you to miss.
Dentistry , dentist , Now don't worry about the noise this drill makes.
Quality Restaurants , menu , We're under new management. 'Soup of the day' is now a mushroom omelet.
Animals , elephant , Remember six years ago when you left the gate open?
Safety , burn , Put these oven mitts on.
Effectiveness Employment , axe , I don't like to get personally involved.
Advertising Employment , Lunch , We don't want to confuse the public.
Animals Children Entertainment , Giant Tortoise Rides , It's a buck-fifty for 14 hours.
Leisure , chess , I hate chess!
Travel , Passengers Without Tickets , No smoking, no talking during the movie, and just one trip to the restroom. Have a nice flight.
Lodging Maintenance Retail , Drapes , We want something to match our carpet. What have you got with cigarette burns?
Lawyers , client , Your honor, he's leading the witness.
Entertainment Leisure , , The course record is 19.
Travel , backpack , Turn left at the light, and it's the 79th street on the right.
Effectiveness Entertainment , charmer , They don't hear so good when they get old.
Lodging Maintenance Marriage , fence , He's only buying me a dishwasher to save himself work.
Religion food , , For what we are about to receive, thanks for nothing.
Doctors Health Safety , air vent , You don't want to infect all the other patients, do you?
Ethics , bed , What would you do if you swore to keep a secret and it was driving you crazy?
Children Health , Maternity , Get lost, lady. I'm looking for the X-ray department.
Animals Pets , bone , It's not working.
Government , Driver Examination Traffic , I don't have to take off my clothes, do I?
Restaurants , Vino , I think you ordered us a three-course meal from the wine list.
Doctors Health , doctor , Do you want to know what's wrong with you or just the dollar amount?
Marriage , Furs , I know there's more pleasure in giving. I like to suffer.
Lodging Travel , arrow , Gustav will show you to your room.
Miscellaneous , musician , Anyone sitting here?
Health , bed , The doctor says you'll still be able to play the piano.
Lodging Travel , bed , Do you want me to close the window?
Employment , boss , We're looking for someone honest, hardworking and totally devoid of ambition.
Crime , 2051 , I knew you'd be back.
Animals Science , friend , George thinks they should consider releasing a few human beings back into the wild.
Mail , , We only have to empty it once a month.
Doctors Fashion Health , arrows , I may have to ruin your coat.
Marriage , king , I would like to ask for your daughter's handmaiden.
Dating Fashion , husband , Maurice, love is not blind enough to allow me to ignore that tie.
Food Holidays , birthday cake , Do you sell birthday cakes by the slice.
Doctors Effectiveness Health , AFOS , You want to test both eyes, don't you?
Leisure Sports , ball , NO CAPTION
Food Restaurants Service , Pizza , I took it to the wrong apartment.
Animals Doctors Health , doctor , If I had to guess, I'd say a very large horsefly.
Employment , boss , I don't want you bringing your domestic problems to work.
Automobiles Training , friend , He's been teaching me to drive.
Effectiveness Retail , YOU ARE HERE YOUR WIFE HERE , YOU ARE HERE YOUR WIFE IS HERE NO CAPTION
Doctors , , I can hear the sea!
Animals Pets Retail , Pet Supplies , I can't read your writing!
Marriage , boyfriend , My ex-husband said he'll pay for our wedding and the honeymoon.
Restaurants Service , Restaurant , You have to do your own dishes.
Crime Government Health , bandages , Even in an ambulance, you still left the scene of an accident.
Automobiles Safety , Toll , Do you want the 75 cents or not?
Health Lawyers , bed , My cousin, Irene, knows a good lawyer.
Dating , boyfriend , Instead of taking me to an expensive dinner, can I have the money?
Children Marriage , father law , Do I look stupid? Of course you can marry my daughter.
Children Education , blackboard , I guess your job's safe for a few more weeks.
Banks Effectiveness , Banking Teller , How big are your safety deposit boxes?
Restaurants , cup , Do you want tea or coffee?
Doctors Health , doctor , Open your mouth.
Children , boy , Be careful what you say around him. He's not as dumb as he looks.
Marriage Religion , bride , Can I kiss one of the bridesmaids instead?
Aliens Doctors Health Miscellaneous , alien , We're running tests, but we think you're from another planet.
Lawyers Marriage , DIVORCE COURT DANCING , DIVORCE COURT NO DANCING NO CAPTION
Food , grocery store , There's a new type of butter called 'I Can't Believe It's Not Margarine.'
Effectiveness Fashion Safety , Lifeguard , LIFEGUARD NO CAPTION
Food Quality Restaurants , restaurant , I forgot you ordered mash potatoes, so I mashed your french fries.
Government Travel , Departure Tax , I only have $2 left.
Animals Pets , bird , He always does that when he's hungry.
Fashion Retail , Paints , Got a 38-inch waist in dark gray pinstripe?
Crime Effectiveness Food , bread , We ate some of the bread on the way here.
Quality Retail Service , frying pan , Does that look like a non-stick frying pan to you?
Technology Television , , Avoid all the hassles of remote control.
Dating , Ace Movers , You've got lovely eyes.
Doctors Health , doctor , You've got two choices: Quit smoking and drinking, or get a better-paying job.
Lodging Maintenance Sales , Pest Control , Get 'em before they come in the house.
Food Quality Restaurants , menu , You can't have the soup of the day until soup of yesterday has all gone.
Effectiveness Quality , You are Here , This one comes with a lifetime guarantee.
Food Holidays , Pizza , Double cheese, with 'Happy Birthday' in mushrooms.
Effectiveness Lodging , Plumbing , We're looking for a non-stick bathtub.
Food , Pizza , Take me to my house with a large pepperoni.
Crime Lawyers , client , We're waiting for a probation report, Your Honor.
Health Miscellaneous , nutcase , Aha! I knew there was life on this planet.
Safety , cell , How was I supposed to know you were in there! No-one's been down here for 20 years!
Effectiveness Fashion , Telephone , I'll be wearing a pink carnation.
Effectiveness art , , That's a photograph I took of my wife's mother with the lens cap on.
Art , For Sale , I can't be any fairer than that. ... $1.5 million reduced to $25.
Advertising , Say With Flowers , Don't keep complaining about my mother.
Innovation , Ban The Wheel , BAN THE WHEEL NO CAPTION
Automobiles Sales , Used Autos , The previous owner was over 10 feet tall.
Restaurants , restaurant , Smoking or non-smoking?
Restaurants , fat lady , AndrŽ, the usual two tables.
Lodging Maintenance Sales , Plumbing Supplies , I need a wrench, a face-mask and a snorkel.
Restaurants , restaurant , No, no, no ... STEAK, not snake!
Doctors Health , bed , The doctor says your cast can come off as soon as you've paid the bill.
Quality Restaurants , menu , 'Catch of the day' is off till the fog clears.
Automobiles Training , Driving School , Take the next left ... and stop at my wife's cousin's house.
Employment , arrows , I asked you a year ago to get me some help pulling up that drawbridge.
Effectiveness Grooming , Hair Restorer , I wiped it up after I spilled the bottle!
Automobiles Sales , 499 , Look at that rustproofing.
Science , dinosaur , They knew how to build skeletons in those days.
Effectiveness Military , castle , Not the laundry!
Fashion Retail , Suits Made Measure , You're exactly the same size as me.
Advertising , Rent This Space , Her sister's making 10 bucks a week.
Grooming , barber , First, a light dusting of defoliant.
Animals Pets , aquarium , They know it's feeding time in 10 minutes.
Retail Service , Tools , This hammer keeps hitting two inches to the left.
Effectiveness Health , car , He's so lazy. He bought himself an exercise car.
Art , Museum , Settle an argument. How do you pronounce his name?
Marriage , board , We can't stand the sight of each other.
Doctors Health , doctor , You've been putting on damp clothing.
Fashion Miscellaneous Quality , feathers , You wouldn't last five minutes where I come from.
Restaurants , Menu , Table for two. Food for five.
Travel , Airport , PIZZA AIRPORT NO CAPTION
Effectiveness , You Can Read This Standing Too Close , He's not very sociable.
Effectiveness Food Marriage , cake , We're not too happy with the caterers.
Employment Safety , husband , He was laid off from the candle factory after the fire.
Doctors Health , Free Eye Test , Shall I do one for my wife while I'm here?
Doctors Ethics Health , doctor , You look awful but I can't find anything wrong with you.
Automobiles Training , Driving School , I hope we see a ship soon.
Effectiveness Employment , bricklayer , I can't move my head.
Effectiveness Safety , arrow , Maybe it was short-sighted ivory poachers.
Doctors Science , doctor , Don't go out during thunderstorms.
Advertising Technology , Pick Your Own Coconuts , I tell you, that Internet has opened up my eyes.
Animals Pets Retail Animals Pets Retail , , Imagine you've got 12 of these babies and a burglar breaks in.
Technology , elevator , Modern technology ... down 47 floors in six seconds.
Dentistry Effectiveness , Boggs Denntist , I thought you said two N's.
Government Travel , Customs , That is not my suitcase!
Automobiles Crime Effectiveness Government Safety , automobile , How do you expect me to average 55 miles an hour if I don't speed?
Food Quality Restaurants , Menu , I'll have the same as yesterday - spaghetti and golf balls.
Children Education Newspapers , child , I don't need to learn reading. It's all on TV.
Quality Restaurants , bar , Whatever that was, I'll have another one.
Effectiveness Health , husband , That's more like it - 127 pounds.
Banks , Banking Loans , I lost the five grand you lent me. What's our next step?
Lodging , Welcome , I thought it was you.
Doctors Health , doctor , I've decided to try shock treatment.
Animals Pets Animals Pets , dog dog , He's a long-haired terrier.
Children , briefcase , If your name's on this list, everyone's out.
Effectiveness , boyfriend , I'm not late. I was giving you a little 'wait training.'
Advertising Effectiveness Mail , , Are you 'Herbie's Wonder Tonic'?
Health , husband , He had an emergency operation.
Employment , boss , Your cut in salary is a cost-of-living adjustment due to the falling price of coffee.
Animals Effectiveness Innovation Pets , bar , It's just till I fix the hole in our fence.
Effectiveness Leisure Sports , Taxi , I'll give you directions. Just drive at jogging speed.
Effectiveness Travel , Air Express , Your baggage arrived, but your wife went to Tokyo.
Restaurants Service , restaurant , If I was a tipper, you definitely wouldn't get one.
Marriage Travel , husband , We can manage on my pension. All we need is the fare to Greenland.
Fashion Service , Hat Check , Looks all right to me.
Effectiveness Employment , giraffe paper , I asked my new secretary to get me a sheet of graph paper.
Food Restaurants Service , Ice Cream 150 Flavors , I think you've had enough. Why don't I call you a cab?
Fashion Marriage , Suits , He doesn't need pockets.
Entertainment Grooming , bath , I just wanted to tell you I'm gonna be late.
Dentistry Effectiveness , 1986 , I missed a dentist's appointment!
Advertising Retail Sales , Buy And Get Free , If I buy two, do I get them both free?
Banks , Banking Loans , Can I borrow your ashtray?
Restaurants Service , Menu , I could have left you a tip if you hadn't talked me into that cheesecake.
Employment Friendship , Visitors Only , Everyone at work drew straws and we lost.
Children Marriage , father law , I don't want a son-in-law who's stupid enough to marry my daughter.
Automobiles Safety , automobile , Don't get out of the car.
Automobiles Government Training , automobile , Give the ticket to my husband. He taught me to drive.
Travel , , What have you got within walking distance.
Effectiveness , Committee Room , COMMITTEE ROOM NO CAPTION
Technology , indians , Makes you wonder how we ever managed without it.
Leisure Sports , friend , The racetrack laundered his money again.
Innovation Leisure Safety Sports , flippers , I wanna be able to breathe if I sink.
Automobiles Sales , 500 , We need a second car until we can afford a first one.
Advertising Sales , Pizza Ready Mins Free , It wasn't ready in 15 minutes was it! It took 35 minutes so you have to pay.
Health Holidays , bandages , Happy birthday, Ralph.
Grooming , Beauty Salon , That sign wasn't there when you went in.
Marriage , bride , We bought you two toasters in case the marriage doesn't work out.
Children Restaurants Safety , child , Is this kid yours?
Animals Pets Safety , Beware Dog , I want to make sure nobody steps on him.
Automobiles Effectiveness Safety Travel , Left Turn , I can now get to the supermarket in under six minutes.
Doctors Effectiveness Health , doctor , Don't take any of these red pills, and if that doesn't work, don't take any of the blue ones.
Restaurants Service , Pizza delivery , Can you tell me how to get to Wimpole Lane, Berry Street, Tunney Crescent and Orchard Park Avenue?
Service , Information , I'll hand you over to our washroom specialist.
Food Quality Restaurants , Ice Cream Flavors , Sixty-six flavors.
Travel , campers , This must be the middle of nowhere.
Sports , boxer , What did I tell you, the guy in the bow tie won.
Banks , Banking Loans , You didn't say anything on the phone about needing a co-signer.
Automobiles Quality Sales , Used Autos , You see any rust?
Marriage , husband , We're still married, but we're separated.
Marriage , fat lady , We've got a prenuptial agreement. She renounces all claims for $25 cash.
Government , automobile , If you hadn't been hiding behind the bushes, I wouldn't have been speeding.
Crime Newspapers , bench , Someone stole two million dollars worth of government toilet seats. The estimated street value is $1,200.
Doctors Health , bed , Your blood type is AB Inflammable.
Banks Government , Banking bank , I'm leaving this for income tax just in case I get caught.
Quality Restaurants food , , What's a good wine to take away the taste of this food?
Government Travel , Immigration Passport , Are you trying to tell me that baby on the rug is not me?
Holidays , bill , Can I help it if your birthday coincides with the electricity bill?
Children Marriage , boyfriend , I knew my little girl would leave one day. That's how I've kept my sanity.
Crime Lawyers , accused , Judge, did you say I'll only do 85 years with time off for good behavior?
Employment Quality , Reward , 30 years in the business and it's come down to this.
Sports , fat lady , She got a black belt after her first lesson.
Dating Marriage Dating Marriage , husband husband , I wrote you love letters before we were married because I could afford stamps.
Crime Effectiveness Lawyers , accused , I've decided to give you another chance. Next time case the joint first.
Animals Food Pets , Fido , He loves Chinese food.
Animals Children Safety Training , duck , When I shout 'Gun', duck.
Miscellaneous Politics , Save The World , I only just made it out of the last planet.
Marriage Religion , bride , Keep her family happy ... wave this chicken over our heads.
Sales , Gift Voucher For , There must be somebody you don't like.
Marriage Marriage , Guidance , My wife wouldn't come. She said you're a moron.
Animals Automobiles Pets , Dog Licenses , Where does he take the driving test?
Fashion , Suits , That suit was made for you. It's the cheapest one we've got.
Lodging Service Travel , Reception , He can't fix the elevator if he's carrying luggage up the fire escape.
Doctors Effectiveness Health Restaurants , Prescriptions , One of these is a prescription and one is a receipt from a Chinese restaurant.
Marriage Science , friend , I've started my own space program. I've already thrown out her mother.
Diet Doctors Health , back , You're going to have to stop eating on the run.
Effectiveness , axe , Keep whistling. I forgot my glasses.
Grooming , Cosmetics , She wants something that you never use.
Dentistry , bill , Root canal? You've charged me for the Suez Canal.
Lawyers Marriage , friend , We've agreed on an out-of-court settlement until we can each afford a lawyer.
Advertising Grooming , Haircuts Price , I know ... that's why I'm having a sale
Travel , Airline , Do you seriously expect me to hurtle through the air at 30,000 feet and not smoke?
Miscellaneous Philosophy , The End Near , My money's on him.
Restaurants Service , Menu , Would you like a drink whilst the chef is trying to catch the catch of the day?
Marriage Marriage , Guidance , MARRIAGE GUIDANCE NO CAPTION
Crime , 24091 , What's 13 hours off 65 years.
Children Death Lawyers , lawyer , Your grandfather ... has left you ... his bicycle!
Effectiveness Service , SILENT MAJORITY INFORMATION 2ND DOOR THE RIGHT , SILENT MAJORITY INFORMATION 2ND DOOR ON THE RIGHT NO CAPTION
Government Travel , Customs , You'll need this, I lost the key.
Dentistry , doctor , I think I've discovered why you keep grinding your teeth.
Automobiles Effectiveness Training , Driving School , D'you mind if I sit on that side? I'm deaf in my right ear.
Food Restaurants construction , worker , Pass the ketchup and one of your sausages.
Children Innovation Safety , Free Parking , It works better than 'Stop.'
Service , Coat Check , Fifty-four cents in change, a book of matches and a bottle opener.
Effectiveness Travel , camera , Would you mind taking our picture? We forgot our camera.
Government Military SERVICE , SECRET KNOCK KNOCK BEFORE ENTERING , SECRET SERVICE KNOCK KNOCK-KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK BEFORE ENTERING NO CAPTION
Automobiles Training , Driving School , I don't need to drive ... I want to better criticize my husband.
Health Health , Prescriptions Prescriptions , If you want me to take them after meals, you'd better give me some of my $40 back.
Leisure Sports , balls , It's a par-12 till the groundskeeper gets his back pay.
Effectiveness Health , ears , Do you sell those invisible hearing aids?
Doctors Health , , We'll have to do another one when the fog clears.
Effectiveness Entertainment , assistant , You're gonna have to start losing weight. The box is too big for the saw
Effectiveness Service , Watch Repairs , I don't know how long I've been waiting. He's got my watch.
Animals Pets , Goldfish Only , Put 62 cents' worth in there.
Animals Travel , stuffed animal , Our bus hit it when we were in India.
Food Quality Restaurants , , I just asked you how the meat loaf was.
Politics Science , charity , The population of the Earth grew by 1,400 while you were searching for that nickel.
Food , Bakery , That's 'ozone layer cake.'
Crime Employment , Personnel , Your last employer wants to know what you did with the canteen money.
Children Science , Pterodactyl , People couldn't spell very good in those days.
Employment , Dishwasher Wanted Apply Within , Leave your fax number and we'll let you know.
Doctors Health , doctor , Have you got anything for indigestion?
Sports , , My wife needs plenty of warning with the lemonade.
Animals Safety , Zoo Beware The Lion , Any escapes today?
Advertising Retail , Everything Reduced , Not quite everything.
Health , Prescriptions , Are there any side effects to these pills apart from bankruptcy?
Entertainment Restaurants , Menu , I thought this place had a floor show.
Animals Lodging Pets , dog , I found wheel tracks in my roses again.
Effectiveness Travel , Airline , Your flight left two hours early owing to a malfunction in the captain's watch.
Leisure Sports , arrows , George is a big game hunter.
Fashion , Suits Made Measure , Seventy-five degrees.
Diet Doctors Health , doctor , I see you're back to five meals a day.
Fashion Religion Service , Hat Check , Can't you remember your number?
Banks Marriage , Banking bank manager , It's your wife. She wants a divorce.
Food Restaurants , cook , Chicken soup, without noodles.
Animals Safety , birds , Alex ... come up this end.
Animals Banks Pets , Banking Loans , He didn't say 'No', he said 'Maybe.'
Retail Sales , Pots , Why don't you try it out before you buy it?
Employment Health Marriage , Get Well Soon , You didn't tell me there was a Cynthia and a Janice at your work.
Lodging Maintenance , Wallpaper , Two rolls of anything. It's for our bedroom.
Quality Restaurants , cook , You the guy with the fly in his soup?
Automobiles Innovation Safety , Stop , That's in case you run a red light.
Art Grooming art , gallery , It's Julius Caesar taking a bath.
Children Holidays , child , Can you manage that lot in one night?
Automobiles Sales , Pizza , He only delivered to little old ladies!
Marriage Marriage , Guidance , Just stop burning the old guy's breakfast.
Banks Dating , Banking Loans , I'm sorry, we do not lend Miss Perkins.
Effectiveness Leisure Sports , moose , He almost made it across the river.
Doctors Health , doctor , I can't hear any problems, but that's not surprising.
Service Travel , Taxi , Anyone else for the airport?
Doctors Health , couch , You are two completely different personalities. That'll be 75 bucks each.
Children , child , Dad, can I borrow the car payment?
Doctors Health , doctor , It always speeds up when I take my clothes off.
Children Education Lawyers , History Test Answers For , The court ruled in his favor.
Crime Lodging Safety , Fire , I'd like to make an appointment for 8 o'clock Tuesday.
Effectiveness Grooming , bugs , That's your organic shampoo.
Doctors Health , doctor , These should make you relax. You won't have any money to do anything else.
Fashion Marriage Retail , Wear , We'll take the one on the left.
Employment Farming , bed , Getting ready for the annual sheep count, Mildew?
Employment Sports , football , That's our third loss in a row. You're fired.
Banks Crime Effectiveness , Bank , Taxi!
Automobiles Crime Government , Special , I see the police got your car back.
Automobiles Service , Pizza , Just imagine I'm a pizza and deliver me to my sister's.
Fashion Retail , Hats , It draws attention away from your face.
Leisure Retail Safety Sports , Sporting Goods , Got any roller skates with airbags?
Effectiveness Health Technology , Exray , X-RAY FOLLOW THE INVISIBLE LINE NO CAPTION
Marriage Miscellaneous , mother law , I decided to save you the trouble of visiting me.
Quality Retail , Greetings , I'm looking for a card that reflects me ... cheap.
Employment , boss , I've decided to move you up the ladder. Get a bucket.
Health Television , , Not much on TV.
Effectiveness Travel , Guide , We get a lot of foreign visitors.
Health Lodging , bed , I hear you're not completely satisfied with your semi-private accomodation.
Restaurants , Menu , It's happy hour. You get two mushroom soups.
Health Restaurants , Menu , Guess what 'catch of the day' is.
Safety , pumpkins , He was the world's greatest juggler.
Holidays Marriage , birthday , I didn't get her a birthday card. She took the money.
Effectiveness Health , bed , They change the beds every day! I can never find mine!
Effectiveness Sports , 147 , I've got two chances at it this year.
Doctors Health Safety , bed , The nurse says you're having trouble getting out of bed.
Quality Service , birthday , I'm a singing birthday card. Got a piano and a couple of beers?
Marriage accounting , friend , She's gonna spend my $18 tax refund on a $400 coat.
Holidays Innovation , birthday , The big ones are 15 years.
Effectiveness Retail , Cookware , We need a good can opener.
Service , Smoking , That was $19.80, wasn't it?
Government Travel , Immigration , That's 25 cents for the price list and a dollar for the coffee.
Automobiles Sales , Used Autos Nobody Cheaper , That's 25 cents for the price list and a dollar for the coffee.
Entertainment Safety , Books , He's probably held up in traffic.
accounting , CEO , I opened 13 dummy corporations-now I can't find my money.
Restaurants Service , bartender , Can you change two pieces of eight for eight pieces of two?
Military , arrows , The indians have taken the saloon.
Grooming , barber , The mirror isn't cracked; that's the back of your head.
Children Effectiveness Employment , axe , Mom! ... I'm over here.
Government Travel , Customs , CUSTOMS NO CAPTION
Automobiles Retail , Parts , Tachometer for an '96 Ferrari.
Quality Restaurants , broom , Catch of the day from the wine cellar, Francine.
Automobiles Training , Park , I know I told you to obey all the signs, but this is not one of them.
Crime Effectiveness , , I made it out of soap.
Diet Health , bed , I can't keep anything down.
Quality Restaurants , Yum , There's an escargot in my lettuce.
Death Effectiveness , devil , They've given you two more years for good behavior.
Crime Health , canes , Hand over your pacemaker.
Travel , Body Shop , Have you ever been to Ralph's Body Shop?
Leisure , beach , NO CAPTION
Lodging Marriage , Reception , The honeymoon suite just became available.
Automobiles Sales , , One owner.
Effectiveness Food , husband , I suppose you know you've been standing there for over an hour and the toaster's not plugged in.
Automobiles Sales , 000 , You'll have power steering if your wife drives.
Health Marriage , back , This won't help your back, but it makes me feel great.
Animals Children Mail Pets , child , And the lucky winner is ... No. 2.
Automobiles Effectiveness Grooming , Car Wash , We just want hot wax.
Service , Tickets , My heart nearly stopped. I thought I was looking in a mirror.
Banks , Banking Teller , Tell 'im.
Effectiveness Travel , cane , Just keep going left. If I'm not here when you get back, ask someone else.
Safety Travel , Earthquake Zone Next Gas Miles , EARTHQUAKE ZONE NEXT GAS 56 MILES NO CAPTION
Fashion Restaurants , husband , It states quite clearly ... 'evening dress.'
Marriage Religion , bride , With this $365 ring, plus sales tax, I thee wed.
Education Employment , axe , He's an exchange student.
Friendship Lodging , clock , It's your little friend again, dear. He wants to borrow a 'dip' of sugar.
Restaurants , glass , One cola, no ice.
Food , cave men , It says here, 'Eat before last summer.'
Effectiveness Restaurants , Menu , Table for one near someone having sausages.
Fashion Government Travel , Customs , Would I have worn this hat if I was gonna smuggle?
Children Education , blackboard , Where do you want the decimal point?
Quality Restaurants , octopus , That's not the catch of the day, is it?
Health , All The Wards , The doctor said to walk on it as much as possible.
Food Service , , Just how fast were you driving?
Effectiveness Government Politics , , My candidate is determined to slash spending.
Fashion Retail , Ladies Hats , I think I'll wear it like this. Then you won't have to keep reminding me how much it cost.
Leisure Restaurants Sports , Please Wait Seated , Got a large table for six?
Lodging , 12A , We're sharing the apartment. He gets it Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.
Restaurants Service , Menu , I said, 'Is the in-season fruit this season or next season'?
Travel , Sweet Corn Miles , It's not even on the map.
Food Retail , cart , If this is 2 percent milk, how much am I paying for the other 98 percent?
Death Sports , duel , It's not my fault you're stupid.
Food Retail , Checkout , Are these cornflakes biodegradable?
Marriage Marriage , Guidance , Oh yeah? Well, I just may not be there when you get home!
Innovation Retail Sports , knife , And, of course, this model does have the folding bicycle.
Restaurants Service , Menu , Pin these up in the kitchen and we won't have any mistakes.
Grooming Lodging , bathtub , Next time we'll get a taller plumber.
Leisure Sports Training , Instructor , Bend your knees.
Effectiveness Employment , High School , I don't care if it does work better! Put it back the way it was.
Effectiveness Employment Food food , taster , Mildew, I know you like fruit, but you're supposed to taste-test just one apple and one grape.
Government Leisure , See The Falls , Tourist or not, sir, I shall need to see a valid fishing permit.
Military , archers , So anyway, we got a date with these two French waitresses ...
Crime Effectiveness , stocks , I'm a trusty.
Religion , baby , The baptism was 3 o'clock. We were deÞnitely ahead of the wedding.
Retail , , Let me write you a check for the other 40 cents.
Effectiveness Grooming , Haircut , So how did you break your arm?
Effectiveness Employment Food Food , Royal Taster , ROYAL FOOD TASTER NO CAPTION
Safety , dinosaur , Don't get too close. Remember what happened at the zoo.
Animals Effectiveness Food Leisure , bear , Did you have to hang the food right above the tent?
Animals Food , ice berg , Oh no! Freezer burn!
Employment , CEO , It's my first day. I thought this was the staff canteen.
Science , dinosaur , Is this the one that caused all the controversy?
Advertising Retail , Why Pay , That slogan was your idea wasn't it Parker?
Doctors Health , bugs , Your blood sugar is very high.
Sports , boxer , Is there any truth to the rumor that you're thinking of retiring from the ring?
art , , A picture's supposed to speak a thousand words. I can think of only one.
Effectiveness , husband , NO CAPTION
Effectiveness , Balloons , My wife blew up that one.
Food Lodging , husband , What part of the home did you put in these homemade cookies?
Automobiles Sales , Clean , I got seventeen dollars. Is that reasonable?
Crime Lawyers , 716 , The judge looked at that new evidence I dug up and gave you another eight years.
Children Religion Safety , baby , That's just in case you drop him.
Quality art , , This one is called 'Boats on the ocean' by my eldest son, Derek.
Children Service , Taxi , Get going. I want a dollar's worth around the neighborhood.
Service , axe , Do you want to leave your glasses on?
Automobiles Sales Automobiles Sales , Convertible Convertible , What does it convert into? A tree house?
Fashion Retail , Wear , The body fits him, but the neck's too tight.
Animals Innovation Lodging Pets , door , We don't allow the dog into the living room.
Health Retail , Prescriptions , How much are these orange and black ones?
Dentistry , Bloggs Dentist , Same time next week.
Grooming Marriage , bar , My wife thinks I'm in the shower.
Effectiveness Mail , Stamps , I want to make sure these arrive in order.
Service , Pizza , I need a tow to Chestnut Drive, Wilmont Avenue and Hill Street.
Food , boss , I've decided to take a personal interest in your career. You're fired.
Marriage Restaurants , Menu , I told you I'd be a few minutes late.
Effectiveness Health , bed , My blankets keep sliding off.
Animals Pets Television , cat , What happened to the TV?
Miscellaneous , Restaurant , How much longer are you going to be on that phone?
Effectiveness , Litter , Go and find someplace to plug that in.
Doctors Health , doctor , What do you mean you're out of breath? I haven't switched it on yet!
Maintenance Television , , My husband's been trying to fix it.
Effectiveness Grooming , deodorant , Don't get me any more of this roll-on deodorant.
Effectiveness Sports , 373 , It was yesterday.
Fashion Quality Restaurants , Hot Meals , Sorry, pal, you can't come in here with a tie.
Crime , Jewelry Store , You gonna be long? I'm double-parked.
Doctors Effectiveness Health , doctor , Take one of these out every four hours.
Fashion Quality , Invisible Mending , That's $34.50 please.
Marriage Restaurants , boot , It's our anniversary. She had to come straight from work.
Children Education , Geography , Found New Zealand yet, Robert?
Children , bullseye , NO CAPTION
Diet Health , Heath Retreat , I demand to know what you were doing in the kitchen at 3 o'clock in the morning.
Innovation , Inventions , Air bags for pedestrians.
Effectiveness Employment , Manager , Do you think I'm pressing the typewriter keys too hard?
Fashion Retail , King Sized Clothes , Get lost.
Animals Religion , Ark , I told you it wouldn't float.
Animals Lodging Pets , dog door , We bought another dog.
Animals Fashion Food , bull , Wait till you guys feel this leather.
Technology , Garage Sale , Only needs winding once a month.
Doctors Health , doctor , Side effects! ... this is all over effects.
Retail , Rare Books , We don't have any!
Health Retail Safety , drugs , That's their new tamper-proof package.
Technology Television , , We couldn't afford an 18-inch set but we bought two nines.
Doctors Health Safety , doctor , Nurse, where did we get that last batch of nitro-glycerine tablets?
Fashion Marriage Religion Retail , bride , You knew it was today!
Crime Lawyers , accused , You mean I have to pay a hundred dollar fine on top of my $8,000 legal fees!
Banks , Bank Banking , I don't want my wife to find out I have an account here.
Fashion Retail , Menswear , Come on ... it's not going to look like that on you.
Lodging Service , Hotel Reception , The elevator's broken. I'll have to make several trips with all your luggage.
Entertainment Restaurants , Maitre Dis , Table for two near the orchestra.
Automobiles Government , Police , There ... now you've made his airbag go off.
Service Travel , Taxi , Two eighty-five? Here, take the $3 and drive another 100 yards.
Crime Lawyers , Judge , All right, all right. Fifteen years less 37 minutes.
Retail Service , Hardware , Number 7.
Food Quality , coffee , I didn't have any milk for your coffee so I put some white wine in it.
Restaurants Service , Menu , NO SMOKING WITH MEALS UNDER $15.00 NO CAPTION
Government Travel , Customs , If my suitcases ever show up, help yourself.
Children Retail , butcher shop , One day, Damien, this will all belong to you. Three weeks later, it will all belong to the bank.
Art Crime Effectiveness , Van Gogh Exhibit , Just a moment, sir.
Automobiles Sales , Power Roof , I'll get that adjusted.
Quality Restaurants , chef , Tell Eddie I found his pen.
Fashion Sports , Trainer , You wanna look your best for the hospital.
Marriage Quality Retail , Glass , Engagement rings.
Marriage Marriage , Guidance , I recommend 8-ounce gloves and protective headgear.
Restaurants , Menu , Want to see the wine list?
Doctors Military Technology , arrow , It's got a little camera on the front of it.
Automobiles Maintenance , Muffler , It wasn't your muffler.
Automobiles Effectiveness Government Safety , automobile , It's just until I get my brakes fixed.
Food Service , delivery boy , You certainly don't have to pay for a large pepperoni if you only ordered a medium.
Automobiles Maintenance Service , Super , You need a quart of oil and a set of ovenproof dishes.
Lodging Service , Bed Breakfast , You missed breakfast. It was 6 o'clock this morning.
Animals Pets Retail , Fighting Fish Pair , Just give them enough food for one.
Health Music Technology , hearing aid , He's not a musician. That's his new hearing aid.
Doctors Health , bed , In a couple of days you should be well enough to make it onto the chart.
Animals Government Travel , Customs , It must have been in the bag of bananas.
Health , Pharmacy , One of everything four times a day.
Animals Automobiles Farming Government Pets , Police , I know it's a dog license! He was driving.
Restaurants Service , restaurant , Oh, boy! I'll be able to take that world cruise after all.
Automobiles Service , Gas station , It's either your water pump or your stereo.
Fashion Retail Sales , Instant Credit Off , I hate the color but I'll take it.
Doctors Effectiveness Health , leg , Which leg is it?
Children Government Travel , Immigration , My kid drew them on my passport picture with a magic marker.
Automobiles Government , automobile , How can I be parked when my vehicle is in DRIVE?
Marriage Technology , friend , You can tell me now. I took the batteries out of his hearing aid.
Children , father , I hear your wife had triplets.
Quality Restaurants , Menu , That's what you pointed at in the tank!
Health , Pharmacy , Is my prescription ready?
Fashion Retail , Shoes , The toes are pinching.
Restaurants Service , mop , I think I got most of it.
Entertainment Health Safety , Emergency , Joyce, how do you spell 'juggling'?
Food art , , My wife threw my dinner at the wall and I framed it.
Food , Cakes For All Occasions , Yeah, this feels about right.
, For Sale Real Estate , It's got a lovely view of the beach.
Automobiles Travel , Taxi , I gotta be at the airport in 3 minutes. Move over, I'm driving.
Children Education , child , What's it going to be, three meals a day or college?
Animals Pets Retail Animals Pets Retail , , I thought that was the exit.
Sports , 732 , Where do you want me to wait?
Children Doctors , , How long does it take for a lottery ticket to dissolve in stomach acid?
Food Innovation Restaurants , Donuts , I'll just have a cup of coffee.
Banks Effectiveness , Real Estate shovels , We've come to repossess your land.
Government Travel , Bus Stop , I'm not stealing it. I'm moving it closer to my house.
Restaurants Service , restaurant , I am still waiting for my 18 cents change!
Safety Sales Service , Pick Your Own Balloon , I'm scared of heights.
Effectiveness Employment , hands , He had to give up the shoe-repair business.
Doctors Health , EDOLBYPS , Perfect! I'll take 'em.
Doctors Health Technology , doctor , I feel better when I can hear it pumping.
accounting , TAX CONSULTANT LEFT THE COUNTRY , R.TRIP TAX CONSULTANT LEFT THE COUNTRY NO CAPTION
Effectiveness Entertainment , Eat Dust , E, C A B Z, M ...
Automobiles Maintenance , Car Wash , Want the inside done?
Animals Pets , birds , His family flew in for a visit.
Employment , Boss , I like a man with determination.
Effectiveness Marriage , bed , He said I could have breakfast in bed every morning.
Art Retail , , Now then, is that blue or glue?
Marriage , JUST MARRIED JUST DIVORCED , JUST MARRIED JUST DIVORCED NO CAPTION
Doctors Health , doctor , I can see my filing cabinet.
Fashion , hat , You look like an endangered species.
Leisure Sports , poles , That guy in the red doesn't have any!
Leisure Sports , Canoes For Hire , Sorry, pal, we're right out of aircraft carriers.
Technology , Bell , YE BELL NO CAPTION
Quality Service , Complaints , COMPLAINTS NO CAPTION
Miscellaneous , beggar , Can you spare a twenty?
Leisure Safety , bait , NO CAPTION
Leisure Sports , clubs , Oh no! I hope you're not wearing your new golf shoes in there!
Automobiles Sales , One Owner , Is that one owner since new or one owner now?
Doctors Health Service , arrow , The doctor said sleep on your stomach tonight and he'll see you first thing tomorrow.
Service Travel , hand , Taxi!
Maintenance , Dry Paint , Never sit down until you see one of these.
Grooming , comb , Make up your mind. Do you want me to cut your hair or you going to a barber?
Fashion Retail , Ties , This is the only one we have in your size.
Effectiveness Grooming , arm , Got a toothbrush with an extra-long handle.
Safety Technology , blender , Don't look at me. I told you to read the instruction manual.
Grooming Retail , Cosmetics , What can you recommend for my wife? Apart from the obvious.
Effectiveness Health Technology , bed , 196, 197, 198, 199 ...
Dating Restaurants , Savoy Grill , I reserved two stools for 7:30.
Automobiles Quality Sales , Used Cars , No charge for the sun roof.
Health Leisure Sports , Emergency , I told you not to use that rowing machine.
Automobiles Effectiveness Sports , 437 , I'm gonna use my car.
Fashion Retail Sales , Hats , Personally, I think it 'makes a statement.'
Employment Leisure Sports , clubs , I hear you're looking for someone who can work without supervision.
Newspapers Science , husband , Twenty-eight percent of the rain forest is now furniture.
Innovation Science , apples , I'm increasing my odds.
Insurance Leisure Sports , fat lady , I had to get her $250,000 in liability insurance before she could skate.
Doctors Effectiveness Health , Acupuncture , My hands are not as steady as they used to be.
Food Restaurants , husband , I'm going to have the buffet. Do you have another one for my husband?
Fashion Quality , Made Measure , You need a second fitting.
Marriage Marriage , Guidance , I found another one of these in his office desk.
Lodging Maintenance Retail , Wallpaper , You said I could bring it back if my wife didn't like it.
Government Lodging Maintenance , Public Library , I need another 3 1/2 inches.
Animals Retail , Genuine Hides , Three-piece set in elephant.
Service , Closed , I can't focus these binoculars.
Travel , Pacific Ocean , Yes, yes, I know it's the other way! I'm going around the world.
Marriage Retail , Jewelry , I've got her finger size in this peanut butter.
Automobiles Maintenance , automobile , Did I or didn't I say unleaded gas?
Doctors Health Technology , doctor , We now take blood pressure for the whole body.
Animals Pets , husband , Want me to put the cat out?
Maintenance Miscellaneous , Cold , HOT COLD NO CAPTION
Banks Crime , Bank Banking , You can go ahead of me if you're making a deposit.
Crime Retail , Lamps , Our Þgures show that the larger lamps are 68 percent less likely to be stolen by burglars.
Animals Entertainment , Hippo House , HIPPO HOUSE NO CAPTION
art , , Not one of his better works, but the only one he painted upside down.
Banks , Banking Loans , I'll sign my brother-in-law's name 'till I get my memory back.
Restaurants Service , Donuts , Got a bigger mug?
Lodging Retail Sales , Furniture , For the man in a hurry.
Automobiles , automobile , I'm not having you fall asleep at the wheel.
Animals Farming , NEXT GRASS 143 MILES , NEXT GRASS 143 MILES NO CAPTION
Music children , , How long before the snake comes out?
Health Marriage , Hospital , Keep talking. I'm just going to take a nap.
Service , Complaints , And it's about time they fixed up the rotten canteen in this place!
Automobiles Sales , Auto Mart , I can't say enough about this car.
Automobiles Training , Driver Trainer , You hit the sidewalk on that left turn.
Restaurants , diner , No chain-smoking.
Restaurants , Coffee Shop , They never get enough sun at my place.
Holidays Retail , Hardware , It's our 'pre-Christmas giveaway.'
Innovation , candle , The idiot couldn't find his cigarette lighter this morning.
Food Lodging , , I always welcome new neighbors with one of my gooseberry pies ... nine dollars.
Retail , Books , BOOKS THRILLERS NO CAPTION
Health , arm , Walk on the inside. That's the 10th time a cab has pulled over.
Doctors Health Safety , bed , OK, turn on your left side and face the window.
Employment , employee , If you're calling about the night watchman position, you're too late, it's gone.
Safety Travel , Use Other Door , USE OTHER DOOR NO CAPTION
Marriage Marriage Marriage Marriage , Guidance Guidance , Have we been married 64 years or 65 years?
Restaurants , ice bucket , Not so much ice next time.
Restaurants , Coffee Shop Menu , Hey! How many of these sticks equals two tablespoonfuls?
Travel , airplane , He said he just saw his suitcase fly past the window.
Doctors Health Safety , CONTAGIOUS DISEASES NOT THE BLUE LINE THE YELLOW LINE THE GREEN LINE , CONTAGIOUS DISEASES DEPT. DO NOT FOLLOW: THE BLUE LINE THE YELLOW LINE THE GREEN LINE NO CAPTION
Children Religion , baby , 'Randolph' if it's a boy, 'Jeanette' if it's a girl.
Effectiveness Television , Weather Forecast , The next six months will be mainly sunny or cloudy, with dry and rainy spells. Winds will be from most directions.
Food Restaurants , bull horns , Got any non-dairy creamer?
Automobiles Crime Service , Star , Gimme 15 seconds' worth of premium.
Crime Effectiveness , Jewelry , JEWELRY NO CAPTION
Children Holidays , Santa Claus , I thought so! He's gonna have to come through the window.
Food Marriage , frying pan , I hit my arm. Two of your sausages are under the dishwasher and one flew out the window.
Travel , WASHROOM BUST , WASHROOM OR BUST NO CAPTION
Holidays Retail Service , Christmas Gift Wrapping , Want a bow on it?
Lodging , mother law , Your room's upstairs. The ladder's in the garage.
Effectiveness , fence , Pest control
Restaurants , diner , Haven't you got any bigger tables?
Quality Restaurants , Cafe , There's a fly in my straw.
Health , bed , He's a very difficult patient.
Automobiles Maintenance , Air , OK, OK, that's enough!
Retail Sales , Refunds , I'll just pay you when I'm sure I like it.
Fashion Military , arrow , It missed my new hat by an inch.
Doctors Health , doctor , He says you gotta go to bed and take a couple of aspirins.
Friendship Health Marriage , bandage , I told her I wanted a 'trial separation' so she tried to separate my shoulder!
Marriage , bed , You wouldn't believe the dream I just had.
Employment Health Marriage , bed , Your manager came over to see you, so I told him you were out.
Fashion , , Even if they have got it in your size, it'll cost at least a hundred bucks.
Health , Maternity , False alarm. Your wife had an inflamed gall-bladder.
Health Marriage , bed , I told you not to drink all that coffee.
Entertainment Marriage , date , Surely you can go bowling with Harvey another night?
Children , bald , Want me to get you a wig for your birthday?
Marriage , husband , If you don't keep quiet I'm gonna phone all your friends and tell them how old you really are.
Marriage , husband , So I'm five minutes late with the supper. You don't have to eat the plate.
Entertainment Marriage , dance , I'm telling you for the last time, I don't wanna go to a disco. I'm going to bed.
Travel , airplane , Ma'am, the Captain has requested that you give him a few minutes advance warning should you wish to leave your seat during the flight.
Friendship Leisure , accordion , Gee Ralph, the party was yesterday!
Marriage , husband , Yeah, well you're not exactly an oil painting yourself first thing in the morning.
Doctors Technology , doctor , Good grief man! How does anyone swallow an electric toothbrush?
Employment Marriage , Corn Flakes , Whaddyer mean, 'I'll be late for work'? It's six o'clock in the evening.
Children Dating , boyfriend , This is my new boyfriend. Can he have something to eat?
Restaurants Service , table , I didn't call you a 'shrimp'. I said, 'Can I get you a DRINK?'
Fashion Grooming , dresser , There are four socks in here. One blue, one brown, one green and one red.
Education , child , I guess things have changed since I was at school, Headmaster!
Effectiveness Food Marriage , Crackers , How am I supposed to sleep with all that crunching? If you must eat those things, take your teeth out.
Entertainment Television , Guide , I'm not watching 'Lawrence of Arabia' in black and white on this thing.
Restaurants , husband , No thank you. My husband's a reformed wino!
Ethics Philosophy Politics , Down With Male Chauvinism , I was one of the first to realize that it's not a woman's fault, the way she was born.
Dating , assistant , I wouldn't call it a blind date. It was more like a close encounter of the third kind.
Children Newspapers , child , I'm not going to listen to you if you keep calling me 'paleface'.
Doctors Health , doctor , Forget the facelift. I think we'll try lowering your body.
Friendship Leisure , cards , Albert, if you want a sandwich, they're $10 each!
Food Health , bed , I told you cheese didn't agree with you.
Children Dating Marriage , boyfriend , Dennis is a sweet sensitive guy, and if you don't let us get married he's gonna break both your legs.
Grooming , bathroom , So you dyed your hair and it turned green. You can't spend the rest of your life in this bathroom.
Food , husband , It's stew, but I put too much water in it.
Dating Grooming , date , I can't go out tonight, Frank; I'm washing my hair.
Doctors Health , bed , Come on, don't waste my time. Get out of there.
Banks Employment , Banking bum , How's it going? I'd heard you quit your job at the bank.
Doctors Effectiveness , bandage , That too tight?
Health Marriage , bikini , Did I hear you right? Did you just tell me I'm starting to put on weight?
Employment Innovation , friend , He's trying to figure out a way to clone himself so he can stay home all day and still get a paycheck.
Miscellaneous Technology , farmer , You say it was a silver, cigar-shaped object and had the letters U.F.O. painted on the side?
Marriage Travel , bandage , We were discussing separate vacations last night. Sorry about all the noise!
Employment Health , bed , I phoned your office and they didn't even know you were off sick.
Leisure Sports , bed , If you don't go to sleep, you're gonna be practicing that swing in a wheelchair.
Children Employment , child , Your mother tells me you're 'contemplating'. See if you can contemplate getting a job.
Marriage , bride , Will I what?
Military Music , Band , Harry can't reach his drum!
Food , belt , It's the results of that cooking competition. You've been awarded a 'black belt.'
Children Education Food , child , His teacher wants you to bake a cake for him to take to school. Must be a geology lesson.
Marriage , bomb , Don't forget it's my mother's birthday tomorrow.
Dating , boyfriend , When you told me on the phone you were 42, 22, 38 I didn't realize you meant your age, your I.Q., and your shoe size.
Marriage Television , , Supper ready?
Food diet , , Today's diet; one spoonful of peas and half a carrot.
Doctors Health , doctor , I'm well aware you're only 28 years old. That's why I'm telling you to take better care of yourself.
Animals Marriage , bathtub , What are you up to?
Children , child , I know it's expensive to bring up a kid. Why come to me with your problems?
Miscellaneous , big foot , Every summer we get another rash of 'Littlefoot' sightings.
Dentistry , dentist , Dentistry's come a long way in the last few years.
Dating Restaurants , date , Have what you like up to $1.50.
Children Marriage , child , Mom found your credit cards under the mattress and she's gone shopping.
Marriage Newspapers , husband , If you ever need a brain transplant, it'll be rejected.
Marriage , chair , You in one of your moods again?
Innovation Science Technology , boss , You asked us to build a computer which could replace the government.
Science , ape man , His great great-grandfather on his mother's side was a Neanderthal.
Entertainment Marriage , husband , I can't find my clean underwear.
Sales Sales , house house , Good morning, sir. Is your wife home?
Doctors Health Music , doctor , Your head is rejecting your eardrums. How long have you been a musician?
Effectiveness Grooming Marriage , husband , If that's supposed to improve your looks, it worked!
Food Restaurants , beggar , Have you finished with that?
Animals Food , bed , It was in the freezer and must have thawed out!
Fashion Retail , hat , Is it a gift or do you want to try it on?
Holidays Marriage , christmas tree , Socks again! I bought you a digital watch.
Entertainment Leisure , board game , Let's see. How much rent do you owe me with 17 hotels on Boardwalk?
Marriage , bed , Lights out!
Art Children , artist , D'you want a really good tip?
Children , boy scout , He tied a knot.
Miscellaneous aliens , , He's known about us for years. They've locked him up twice!
Leisure Travel , beach , That lifeguard said, 'Stay out of the shipping lanes.'
Marriage Newspapers , husband , What have I done this time?
Health Marriage , bandages , Is that the one who forgot his wedding anniversary?
Fashion Retail Sales , fat lady , It's not my fault we haven't got your size! Try Camping Equipment on the third FLoor.
Ethics , manhole , Why don't you pick on someone your own size?
Dating Science , daughter , If she's a genetic reject, how come I have to chase off all the young guys around here with a stick?
Grooming , Beauty Salon , You look the same as you did when you went in!
Food Safety , boss , You'll have to move your lunchbox. It's blocking the fire exit.
Marriage , chains , I want to report a missing husband.
Effectiveness , horse , It's either two guys carrying a canoe or a long horse wearing sneakers.
Health , fat lady , That jogging certainly seems to be getting your weight down.
Leisure Retail Safety , , Listen, kid - if I sold you a pair of roller skates, I'd lay awake nights worrying.
Innovation Technology , airplane , If anyone needs me, Joyce, I'll be up on the roof for about 20 minutes.
Employment , Exit , Is it ten minutes to five already?
Leisure Safety , Life Guard , I hope you know your stuff. I'm a very weak swimmer.
Quality Restaurants food , , Take that back! It tastes like the stuff my wife makes.
Health , closet , Remember your blood pressure!
Health Innovation , fat lady , 204 lbs. on the left and 189 lbs. on the right.
Health Marriage , bandage , I've been at the hospital all day. My wife lost her voice.
Food Restaurants , cafeteria , She tries to watch what she eats but her eyes aren't quick enough.
Diet Doctors Food Friendship Health , , He asked me to put some ketchup in here.
Health , nurse , Well, I just hope I look as good as you do on my 110th birthday.
Government Service Travel , automobile , Nervous flyer. ... He promised me an extra 10 bucks if I miss his plane.
Animals Diet Food Pets Restaurants , fish , Who's having the raw herring?
Service , Now Locations Serve You , I'm outside the railway station after 3 o'clock.
Dentistry Effectiveness , dentist , The other scraper!
Children Education Quality , English Literature , Shakespeare, did your father help you with this homework?
Grooming , automobile , I thought you liked this perfume!
Marriage Marriage , Guidance Councillor , She never wants to go out.
Restaurants Service , cafe , Hey, Harry, can I have the key to the sugar?
Health , bandages , What time did he discharge himself?